The Art of Self-Deception

self-deception

I am a liar. I have lied to myself for the greater part of my life. But the reality is that sometimes you have to find the lie to learn the truth. The stories I have tied to me are insane! Nothing is ever what it seems: to me is one way; to the world another. And, then the truth of what is…is never what it seems. Napoleon said that “history is a set of lies agreed upon.” That’s how I’ve dealt with all the unknown and unaccepted truths. I’ve created a version of lies told and accepted by Ego. We all do this. I am not alone on this path. The lies we tell the world are nothing in comparison to the lies we tell ourselves…and unfortunately we believe every word.

Half-truths, omissions, and negativity have consistently been guiding me through my life. I believed I couldn’t write. I never really tried. I believed I couldn’t paint. I gave it up. I believed I wasn’t good at relationships so I closed myself off to them…until one day the truth guided me. I am not any of these things. The lies I have told myself have been progressively growing because of old programming. Once you are aware that the past voices can’t hurt you, you become free. I am reminded:

The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself.”– Fyodor Dostoyevsky

We all find a place in between spaces where lies manipulate our identities. “You aren’t good enough! You aren’t pretty or handsome. You aren’t worthy enough because you lack intelligence. You suck at being a parent. You are this. You are that. You are….” (you may have a list of your own that’s serving nothing in your life right now but grief). There are millions of ways we listen to others and rarely speak of beauty to ourselves. From the time I was a child my sister and others in my family always said I had the ugliest feet. Until I was well into my twenties I didn’t wear sandals or open-toe shoes. I had grown to believe my feet were hideous. And this was a small lie. Now imagine the larger ones in respect to our intelligence, sexuality, personality, spirituality and such that we believe from others and then make it part of our reality.

We are always seeing ourselves through others’ eyes. Our realities are rarely ours because they are shaped by another. Everyone’s opinion determines our identities and personalities. We change hair color to fit with society. We use wrinkle creams and diet excessively to fit the expectations others project. What would actually happen if we began to speak gentler and lovingly with ourselves? What would the voice of our spirit finally say in pride? It’s easier to believe the lies than the truth. What would happen if we told the truth of our desires, passion, intimacy and dreams? Our humanness is created to learn from pain and disappointment. Anytime we are forced to move forward it isn’t via comfort. It is by going out into the unknown and battling the lies. Truth is Spirit. Truth is divine order, compassion, forgiveness, and love. We believe the lies to be truer than any truth. It’s time to stop!

I woke this morning to a beautiful email from a friend reminding me of what’s important. She always expresses her concerns. In a few words each day we return love and small sentences sharing the day’s events. I have a tremendous support system in my life. I have to remind myself of truth: I am not alone in this. The lies I’ve told myself for so long about having to do it alone have taken a toll on me. I am not alone. My toes aren’t disastrous. My weight doesn’t determine my energy. I am not the lies my Ego has chosen to tell me excessively. I am a beautiful-vibrant soul shining my own light. And together, you and I, can learn to be more loving, respectful, and gentler with ourselves while forgiving the self-sabotage of a lifetime. It really isn’t any of my business what anyone thinks of me, BUT it is all of my truth what I think of myself. Let’s stop the self-deceit…it isn’t worth it! It’s time to step up into our greatness…the world needs us!

~Millie

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